I.Need.To.Vent. Maybe its the pain. Maybe it is the constant trips to the hospital/doctor's office. Maybe it is the lack of sleep. Probably all of the above.
Sunday morning I went in to the hospital to get checked again because I was contracting and feeling just plain awful. The doc was the same one who always happens to be there when I go in, Dr. Champion, I was embarrassed. Why does it always have to be the same doc? Anyways, I was still 1.5, thinned out, and he let me know my cervix was soft (not something the midwife had said). My contractions were sporadic and so they sent me on my way. The doc was super sweet, reminding me that I was doing the right thing and that I wasn't bothering them. Ugh. I still just wanted to sit home and cry but we went home and brought Addi to church and to the VBS picnic. I was happy I wasn't in labor but I wanted all of the discomfort and contractions to be doing something!
After my appointment on Sunday, I started having "the" stabbing pain that many women get at the end that can signify more dilation/effacement. I would nicely describe it as being stabbed "down there", Stella trying to claw her way out, my cervix turning into a trampoline... etc. The pain began stopping me in my tracks and saying "Ouch!!!" (and Addi copying me) so I called to see if there was anything I could do. Of course, they brought me back into the office to be checked. While there, I had my first painful contraction (no, I didn't have any with Addi until I was 8cm from the pitocin and they broke my water) while waiting for the midwife- ow! She checked me and yet again I was 1.5cm, thinned out, the baby was low and this time I am pretty sure she said she felt her head which makes sense as she has been headbutting me all day long. The midwife said again she thought it would be soon- 7 to 10 days but yet again, I cried on the way home.
I get it, there has been some progress and since then, I had another very painful contraction, lots of cramping, other signs (graphic), more stabbing... and it can still be soon. It is never that I want to have Stella before full term. I don't. However, when your body is getting ready and making a way for Stella to get here it is very hard to fight. I have that "GET OUT!" feeling and although I haven't been trying to get her to come out I can't help my mind and body from screaming it. On top of all that, I am so worried about getting Stella the antibiotics she needs. I tested negative for GBS which is good but that makes it more difficult to treat in labor since I can't take penicillin. I also never "went into labor" with Addi, just dilated out of nowhere, so I don't know quite what to do or how to tell when I need to go in.
Poor Eric doesn't know what to do with his large and hormonal wife. His crying, up and down, confused, scared and excited wife that he can't do anything for. He has been amazing, just listening and encouraging me. I am exhausted by the end of the day so he takes over with Addi. They are adorable. As I am writing this, he is singing her Taylor Swift in the tub. This was after he took her for a walk to the park. And got me Japanese food. And came home to see us girls at lunch. And let me sleep in this morning. And stayed up to talk me through feeling sad last night. Did I mention how in love with this man I am? I can't wait to celebrate our anniversary this weekend! My best friend is coming to stay over and watch Addi so we can go out in the city for dinner at the restaurant we had our reception at. We have been blessed with 5 amazing years and right now our special day and date is getting me through these rough days.
Bleh. It felt good to get this all out. Word vomit that I needed to purge. It all kept going over and over in my mind and I talked to friends and family about it. The conclusions? Not much I can do about all this except go with my gut and what I feel is best for Stella even if going to the doctor all the time makes me feel stupid. I need to balance staying active and overdoing things. I need to rest and take care of myself too. I need to not be so hard on myself about not being Addi's primary caregiver at every second. It is okay for Eric to help with her and around the house. Stella will be here and it seems like soon. I can do it. All pain and discomfort gets me closer to delivering this precious miracle. It is also okay to cry and be discouraged and in a few days try everything to get Stella here! *Sigh* Much better.
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