25 Months

Stella,

I am afraid to write this. I feel a bit superstitious like somehow the full moon outside will reverse it or that I need to knock on every piece of wood in the house. I'm afraid to speak it out loud as you might hear it from where you slumber in peace and change your mind.

Our tides have turned. Things have changed. YOU have changed. Let me see how to say this... these past couple of months have been... trying at best. With lots of tears from you and lots of tears from me, we struggled into the "terribles twos".

Someday I'll look back and say "I don't remember it being THAT bad" but in the nicest way possible, honey, it was horrible. All of the normal and expected testing of boundaries came to a head at once and stayed around for a while. A loooong while. I even called Poppy, crying, for reinforcements. I felt like a failure when I couldn't make you happy and every thing I tried failed. Over and over.

I even took to taking pictures of your various states of unhappiness to try and find some humor in the situation which was some of the best Mommy advice I've ever gotten. The pictures are cute and funny. I could have taken pictures multiple times a day. However, there are hardly any times when I can take those pictures anymore.

The tantrums have tamed and are much more rare. You listen. You are polite. You apologize. I can't remember the last time you pulled hair. You are funny as all get out.

You aren't perfect and I don't expect you to be because I am hopelessly flawed. I want you to know that I see all these changes and I am bursting with pride. You are growing more and more into the beautiful girl God made you to be. Not that you weren't beautiful in those trying times- it was just more difficult to see it on the outside.

Please know I discipline you the best way I know how and how I feel is in your best interest. Sometimes I get it wrong. Addi responded to a few light pinches on the booty when she would hurt others or do something dangerous but that response only seemed to worsen things for you and the rest of us. I'm sorry. Time outs and a good talking to seems to work for you. Thank you for sticking with me as I figured it out.

I tell you all this, not to make you feel bad. Everything you did or tried was completely normal and what all kids go through to some degree. I am telling you this because when you are a Mom, I want you to know- I've been there and we all survived! I want to encourage you. There is nothing in life that can make you feel more like a failure or success than being a Mom. You will desperately want to be good at something you have no experience in and know nothing about.

You will mess up. You will fail. And it is okay. You will lose your temper. You will yell. You will cry. Hot, angry, sad, defeated tears. You will feel like you can't do it anymore. But you can and you will. I am talking to you but I am also talking to me. I sat down in the middle of it all and tried to write and nothing came out but "I just want a good day. I just want to know that I am making a difference. That I know something, anything at all."

My love, I am so proud to watch you grow. Bear with me as we grow together. This Mommy loves you so.