Too My Girls: Not Goodbye But See You Later

A few months ago (actually almost a year ago-oops), I decided to set aside time to write down important things for my girls to know about our family and our story. Much of who we are is because we have experienced so much together and I want them to understand that this is their story too, this is where they come from. Last I left off, I had fast forwarded through our meeting and dating and engagement (I hope to return to tell them fully soon) and moved right on to our wedding- see here: 

http://acemakeababy.blogspot.com/2012/03/our-story.html . Addi has since seen our wedding video and agreed, it was perfection. Anyhow, contrary to popular belief and almost every Disney movie, life doesn't end when you get the prince and it isn't always easy. There is one story in particular that I want them to hear...

 As Eric and I started our life together, his Dad continued to get more and more sick with his brain tumor continuing to grow. There were surgeries, chemo, trips to Dartmouth- he was already maxed out on radiation and the options were becoming few. In the summer of 2008, my father-in-law, Big Tim, decided to discontinue treatment. With many options with laundry lists of side effects. It had been over 14 years and he wanted to live the rest of his life on his own term. No more medicine, no more doctors, no more tests. We all supported his decision. He had a year at most, but most likely less. By the fall, we saw the decline and by the holidays that year it was clear that his life would end soon. We left Pennsylvania soon after Christmas to be with his family. It was a New Years rung in with tears in our eyes because we knew what the New Year had in store as Big Tim slept in the other room.

By this time, Eric and I were making trips to Vermont every other weekend to help out in any way we could. Hospice was in place and we just wanted to be there. There were many profound moments that I remember so clearly, one of which being the morning of Martin Luther King Day- January 19th, 2009. It was a Monday and we had stayed for the long weekend. About to head home, Eric's Mom told us "Today is the day, Dad is going to pass today." Wanting to stay, we made all of the arrangement. Caregivers tend to be right about these things and we didn't question it. She told us about how she spend the whole night on the recliner by his side returning squeezes as they held hands all night. She felt like he had said goodbye (remind me to write about what I saw and learned from the labor of love I saw in that marriage- it is a tear-jerker!!!).

Throughout the day family and friends came and went to say their goodbyes. Food came, as it so often does in these times, there was laughter and love in the house. The animals (3 dogs and 2 cats), took vigil by his bedside and there was not a time that he was ever without a furry friend and it was often the cats sleeping on his chest. By the end of the day, there was nothing left to do but wait. We chatted together by his bed, alternately taking turns to talk to him or hold his hand. Around 8:00pm, it was only me, Eric, his Mom, Aunt, Uncle and two family friends left. 

Big Tim seemed a bit restless and in hopes to soothe him my mother in law told him that it was okay to go and a tear ran down his cheek. We broke out the old family hymnal and choose to sing his favorite hymn, "The Old Rugged Cross". We sang the whole song and on the last verse he took his last breath. Here it is:

 

To the old rugged cross I will ever be true, 

It's shame and approach gladly bear; 
Then He'll call me someday to my home far away, 
Where His glory forever I'll share.
So I'll cherish the old rugged cross, 
Till my trophies at last I lay down, 
I will cling to the old rugged cross, 
And exchange it someday for a crown.

I had never been to a funeral before, let alone a death and what I know for sure is that God met with our family that night. He drew closer to us and it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. Singing Big Tim into heaven. My jokester husband like to say that his singing killed his Dad and I'm not saying that listening to us a heavenly experience but that's not exactly true. What we did do is see his faith become sight and as I said it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. Not perfect to anyone but his children, this man who loved God and had fought so hard was finally at peace with no pain. "What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease." He was with his God. 

We celebrated his life a few days later and hundreds of people came to pay their respects. I still smell my father in law every once in a while (he had a distinct manly smell), especially with my girls and I just feel him around every now and then. Last year, Addi was playing in the room by herself and I asked her what she was doing and she told me she was playing with the boys. I said "What boys?" and she said "Tim, Mommy!" His work boots sit in the girls nursery as a reminder of his love for them and I am convinced they were in heaven together. You see, Big Tim wanted to be the farmer so it would be fitting if God put him in charge of growing the little ones. This time of year can be sad and the 19th of January and Martin Luther King weekend will always be a time of reflection and even a few tears. That is okay.  

So, Addi and Stella, here it is...

Grampy Tim is in heaven with Jesus. We miss him a lot and we might be sad some days but if you ever want to ask about him, please do! We'd love to tell you all of the fun, happy, silly stories and memories we have. His memory means a lot to us. He taught your Daddy how to be a good Daddy to you. How to love you as only a Daddy can. He loved Daddy when he didn't have a Daddy anymore. He loved Jesus and he was sure excited about you. The story of his death, is not one of sadness but of hope, love and peace. We hung his picture on the wall of the delivery room when each of you were born and he's still hanging around. I love when you put his boots on and walk around all clunky. I'm sorry you won't be able to meet here but just know you'll see him some day. Not goodbye, just see you later. Love you,

Mommy