I chose not to breastfeed when I got out of the hospital- we already needed to supplement when I had surgery and it was a difficult recovery. The doctors, nurses and pediatrician warned me about this and discouraged me about pushing myself and my body. Breastfeeding causes uterine contractions which is usually a very good thing but not in my case. I needed help feeding Stella and I also needed rest so this second time around I have just given up on the Mommy guilt and did what I needed to do. Another part of the whole picture was that I was starting to feel the anxiety creeping back in. Even after I knew Stella wasn't sick in the first 48 hours I was so scared of her being sick as well as traumatized from her birth and after I decided to go back on my medication. I know I'll wean back off of it but to get through the post-partum period would be crucial. So, in short, I made the right decision about how to feed Stella for the both of us. She needs her Mommy to be at the top of her game and I feel so much better now.
I still have tape on my leg from the catheter that just won't come off. This is symbolic about my whole experience in the hospital. Most of the bad memories are gone but some are still there and won't go away. I think it is still setting in that things didn't go the way we'd hoped. I still dream about wanting my babies put on my chest right after, being able to enjoy lots of skin to skin time and NO emergencies. That wasn't the case. It makes me sad. The other night I tearfully asked Eric is the nurses held and cuddled Stella while I was away from her for so long. I knew the answer would be yes but needed reassurance. Eric reminded me that Stella was the nursery favorite. It was devastating to not be able to see, hold or nurse her in those early hours. The sweet nurses took pictures of her and printed them for me and brought them to my recovery room which was so wonderful. Eric said every time he visited they were holding her and loving her. Eric spent a lot of that time with her but she did have to be in the nursery when Eric needed to sleep (he had been up all night too!) or when he was with me. They also moved my room from labor and delivery and we weren't really anywhere for a little while. I needed to know my baby was taken care of during those difficult times.
When I did get back to her I will still very medicated, had two IV's, my epidural, a catheter, leg compressors and surgical packings. It wasn't pretty but I could at least lay her on my chest and snuggle. The issues during her birth don't bother me as much. It was super scary but over very quickly and without any health issues for her although I did miss holding her right away. What I am thankful for in my birth experience and after is that my Mom was able to be there through my labor and after, Stella had the best care possible, Eric was amazing during those very tough moments keeping me focused and we were still able to have family and friends visit. *Sigh* I think I needed to get this all out. It has been weighing on my mind. It is just like mourning a loss, a loss of how I thought things would and should be. I'm ready to move on and nothing can outweigh the fact that I am so thankful and blessed to have two happy and healthy little girls.
Our typical day is:
3:30-4:30am- Stella eats
7:00am- Addi is up and has breakfast with Eric
7:30-8:00am- I am up and feed Stella
9:00am- Girls nap
10:30am- Feed Stella
11:00am- Walk
12:00pm- Eric home, lunch
1:00pm- Addi naps and Stella eats
2:00pm-All nap
3:00pm- Another walk
4:00pm- Stella eats
4:30pm- Eric home
5:00pm- Dinner
6:00pm- Baths
7:00pm- Addi goes to bed and Stella eats
8:00pm- I go to bed
11:00pm- Stella eats with Eric and then they both go to bed
Well, as you can see its busy here so I better get ready to feed Stella and for our first walk.
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