Well, this morning I sit in my quiet living room with my cup of tea. I'm not completely alone, since when the girls have been at school this week, out pups have taken on exceptional neediness but no other humans currently abide here.
Monday, we brought Stella to school for the first time. I had a few tears the night before and was good to go but the hubby took it a little harder. She was so excited to be there and had a huge smile on her face. She kissed me, told me she loved me and was gone. Off following her favorite little boy in the class she knew through her sister. I went to work and kept busy after. They day flew by and it was time for pick-up. She had a great day but when I asked her if she cried she said yes. I asked her why and she said "Because I needed you!"
This girl knows how to break her Mama's heart! From my fiercely independent girl, I was taken aback. In a little way, it was nice to know she still needs me. We don't see that side of her very often these days. She happily went back Wednesday and yesterday, participated in the school's end of the year concert. She LOVED being on stage with her friends and classmates and kept trying to get her little friend (the boy she followed her first day) to participate with her. It was amazing to sit in the audience, watch my kiddos with no kiddos with me. They did a beautiful job.
Today, they rushed out in a hurry with the promise of a stop at our favorite local coffee shop and the excitement of pajama day. They yelled "I love you, Mommy!" over and over again until they were out the door. Joy. You can't help but feel it and be infused by it when your children have it. How could I not be happy for them? They love school. They love learning. They love being together. What more could I ask for than that?
I am not sad the way I thought I may be. Change is funny that way, you worry about it before it happens but after, it seems like it was always this way. I don't remember all the details of what it was like to have both girls home with me 24/7. What it was like before Addi went to school. Those 31 months of just the two or three of us. Sometimes I have to marvel at just how I did it. It doesn't mean I don't miss it. Some days I miss cradling my sweet tiny babies. When I do, I peek into their room at night because they look so much younger when they are sleeping. I know I'll miss this time, too.
I have cherished every single day being a Mommy, even the hard days that ended in tears (mine or theirs). There isn't much I would change. I love my girls at each and every stage but what maybe I love more is the big picture- watching them grow. Their baby-ness may be gone but they are still here. Growing in a million different ways. Beautiful inside and out. Our relationship is growing too and deeper than ever before.
I remember thinking I couldn't love my husband any more than on our wedding day. I thought the same the day my girls were born. Thankfully, both were not true. I love my marriage more than I loved my wedding day. I love my husband now more (have you seen how sexy it is to see the man you love cradle your newborn?!) than I did then. I love my motherhood more than I loved their birthdays. I love my children more now than I did then.
Sigh. My heart is full of all good things. I know I'll miss my lovely ladies today and that is okay. I know myself well enough to plan an afternoon out with friends to keep myself busy. I get to leave the house without planning! Crazy. God is good, all the time. Life is good, too.
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