I choose joy.

January 13th, 2010 preterm labor yanked me out of my full time position as a domestic violence shelter coordinator and plopped me right onto the couch. I did some agency and transition work from home but mostly focused on growing a human. In April, I delivered a beautiful full-term baby girl. A week after she was born, we were back in the hospital with a very sick little girl. A few days into her illness, as I held my sweet sleeping girl on my lap, I typed my official resignation letter.

I had no idea what I was doing. I had just spent 5 years getting my undergraduate and graduate degrees in social work and I had no idea what it meant to be a stay at home Mom.

Within a few months, Eric and I made some sacrifices and figured out the financial logistics (we had planned the first few months of maternity leave). We had one vehicle (still do), bought a wood stove to off-set the cost of oil, cut back grocery bills, consolidated student loans, refinanced our home for a better interest rate and made a strict family budget. Meanwhile, I had fallen deeply in love...

"This Mommy thing, it is the best. I feel like its exactly what I was made to do. I don't think I have ever been so fulfilled. In complete honesty, I was sort of worried before I had Addi. Could I handle it? But its not the tedious, mundane work I thought it could be. I want to take care of Addi everyday and nothing brings me more happiness. I love changing diapers, going for walks and just watching her play and am getting paid in smiles and sleep! I love my boss and I love going to work every day!"

I picked up what I thought was going to be a one semester gig as an adjunct professor at my alma mater. It turned out that I loved it. It also turned out that  I got pregnant again during that semester! I didn't work again until Stella was over a year old(2012). It was the busiest and most beautiful times of my life.

My stay at home Mom-ness is very much a part of me. Even when I've worked part time, I have considered myself a stay at home Mom. I wore this as a badge of honor. I was doing it, the hardest job in the world. Cooking healthy meals, cleaning, organizing, balancing some work and home while teaching two little girls how to become people. Dancing, singing, laughing, crying, living life day in and day out with my daughters.

"Quick fam update: I am teaching 1 class at the school I taught at when Addi was first born and I was also hired at another local college (I went through the hiring process and all of that!) to teach Child Psych. I am love, love, LOVING it! I am out of the house for 4 hours a week and can do my prep whenever I have time. I am happy and feeling like my life has the balance I've been looking for. "

I need to take a moment to say that while I had found balance,at one point, my hubby worked 4 different jobs. Four. His full time and teaching at two additional schools plus running his own business. He is one of the most hard working men I know and I don't thank him enough. He makes it look easy but I know he would never allow me feel bad or regret my choice so he just works harder. Thank you, babe. You are our hero.

I had the opportunity to continue to teach and be home most of the time with my girls. The working part became necessary as Addi started preschool in January of 2013. Addi went and still goes to school three days a week. When I work, the girls or just Stella are with our college students who nanny for us. This semester has been my most busy with me teaching 4 classes and out of the house about 12 hours a week. It was a bit more than I'd like but all wonderful opportunities I couldn't pass up.

So, where does this leave me? Well, one month from Stella starting preschool. For the first time in a very long time- three days a week, there will be no kiddos in my house. At alternating moments, this fills me with peace and panic. Where did the time go? (It was well lived.) Is Stella ready? (Exceedingly so.)  Am I ready? (Yes, even if I am sad.) Do they know my deep love for them? (Yes.) What will I do with the time? (Work!) Should I work more? (Probably.) Should I work less? (Maybe.) And a million others.

My motherhood is as much a part of me as the daughters I grew inside my own body. It grew there, too. It is me. It is what I do. Who I am. Just as it brought pain to bring forth my daughters, motherhood brings forth its own pain in beauty. Four years and four months it has been so much of my time, blood, sweat and countless tears. Tears of exhaustion, joy and the deep ache of love. Pain of a heart that seems as if it will burst if it loves more. Pain of regret. Pain from failure. Pain of giving all you have. Pain of healing. Pain of growing. That is where I am now. I feel the growing pains. .

Whether I want to believe it or not, motherhood is only one part of this season of my journey. It has changed me in ways I didn't think were possible. I'm not who I was. This was a short season but one of the most meaningful. A big part, for sure, but not the only one. I cultivate my other roles- daughter, wife, teacher, social worker, friend. I like these roles. I am pretty good at them most days. But that doesn't change that I am as much in love with being a Mom as I was in those early days. I think that is what makes it so hard.  I am sure some of you will think, "Calm down, it isn't college!". But some days it feels like a loss to me and that is okay.

I am also okay with the next season. Why? It prepares me for the next season after that. My girls are in school part time now to prepare them for full time school later. Fall prepares you for winter. Winter prepares you for spring. Spring prepares you for summer. Life changes without my permission and I only get to choose my response. I choose joy. The joy of watching my healthy children grow. The joy of seeing them form friendships. The joy of seeing them learn to love school. The joy of being with them before and after (and sometimes during) school. The joy of watching them love themselves and others. The joy of being their Mommy.

Yes, I choose joy.