Adoptee and Biological Mommy. These two titles are part of who I am- in chronological order. I guess I should start with the first... at 72 hours old I was picked up by my lawyer from the hospital where I was born and taken to meet my parents for the very first time. Along with all of the anxious and excited family waiting! I was one big biological question mark. My parents knew my birth parents race, ethnicity, some medical history, etc. but that was about it. Would I be tall? What color eyes would I have? My parents would tell you they mused about such things as all expectant parents do but that it wasn't especially important to them. A healthy baby was! To tell you the truth it didn't bother me much growing up and with the exception of a few questions here or there I didn't ask much. I could always pass for my parent's biological daughter so there were rarely questions and no one ever brought it up. Plus, nature is very strong. Not only did I look like my parents, I acted, spoke, even laughed like them! While wedding dress shopping, a saleswoman said she was struck by my Mom and my similarities and knew we must be mother and daughter. We just laughed about it and kept our secret.
I knew the story of my conception (no details) and birth. I felt and feel a connection with my birth mother the same way I do with my maternal great-grandmother. We never met but I have a deep love and respect for the impact she had on my life. She was never my Mom, but I love her because of the love she showed me through her pregnancy and my adoption. Then I got pregnant myself. Well, it wasn't that easy. I had to deal with infertility, just like my Mom and it brought us closer than ever. I would cry "No one understands" and my Mom would say "I do! Remember? I tried to have kids and never got pregnant. But you will". Thankfully, I got pregnant after IVF and my Mom was right. I think this was when the whole biological piece kicked in for me. I realize I was going to have my first biological relative! I had met extended family of my birth family but never felt what I thought the biological connection felt like. Then I had another human growing inside of me. My child. With half my DNA.
There was also a deep, nagging question in my heart. Could I be a biological Mom, the way I thought they should be? Although I never felt unwanted by anyone, including my biological mother, I did have questions about the biological connection that everyone talked about. The feelings of connection to a child because they grew inside of you and had your DNA. Surely my birth mother felt it. However, she chose to override it in my best interest. I wanted those warm fuzzy feelings and instinct. Oddly enough, I never questioned my ability to love a child that was not biologically mine- it was all I had known! I always assumed I'd adopt. Biological parenting was a mystery to me. Unimportant and irrelevant until I faced it myself. Could I and would I feel the love and intense connection about my biological children?
The answer was a resounding yes. I felt an instant connection from the first time I saw a picture of the embryos that were transferred. And again at the first ultrasound when I saw her heart beating. Over and over. I got even more reassurance of my capacity to love my children at 23 and a half weeks gestation when I went into preterm labor. My awe and love turned into a fierce, innate desire to fight for my child's life. I remember curling my body around her that night and feeling her move. I promised I would love her for always. As time went by on bed rest our connection continued to strengthen. We were going through something profound together. I finally allowed myself to again begin thinking about the future as she was getting bigger and stronger. I started to wonder what she would look like. Would she look like me? Act like me? Would there be surprises?
April 25th, I met my daughter for the first time. She could pass for me or my husband as a baby! She had my dimpled chin, dark hair and eyes (even though they were and are still blue- a genetic surprise)! I couldn't stop trying to find out what traits she got from me, it was amazing! She was more beautiful than I could ever be. I felt intense love, pride and joy for this precious girl. This was all repeated before and after the birth of my second daughter. I had, with God, my husband and my doctor's help, created, grown and gave birth to two beautiful girls. I was their mother. It was everything and more than I thought it would be.
I'm not an adoptive Mom. I only know what its like to be adopted and a biological Mom. Because of these experiences, I definitely don't believe one is better than the other. I actually don't think they are different. I believe my adoptive Mom felt the exact same way about me that I felt about my daughters. I think it is more about the essence of being a Mother. A Mommy. The love, connection, and joy that comes through experience. Whether that experience is a birth, holding your child for the first time in a hospital room or your own home, getting up in the middle of the night, kissing away tears, all the first of life... they make you a Mom. They make you real.
"It doesn't happen all at once, you become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
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