1 Year

No one had to remind me that today was an important day, January 14th will always be a day to remember for me. January 14th, 2010 I was admitted to the hospital, 23 weeks pregnant and it was a Thursday. I remember what I was wearing. I remember everything about that day. I still mourn the day my healthy pregnancy ended and my high-risk pregnancy began. I wrapped my body around my precious 1 pound baby and listened to her heart beat inside me. I felt her and knew I would fight for her. I wanted to fix everything. I felt everything and nothing all at once. The song on repeat on my ipod that night was "Fix You" by Coldplay...

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse


And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?


Lights will guide you home
\And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

This song came to mind when I was rocking Addi to sleep tonight. This is usually Eric's special time with Addi but since he was away I had the honors. Today was exhausting. Beyond exhausting. I have been sick for almost three weeks now and taking care of Addi takes a lot out of me. Thank God for Eric and his help. Needless to say, by the end of the day, I needed to be reminded about what last year was like. I let the memories come back and it was humbling. No matter what is going on, there is always a time in life that was more difficult or scary or stressful (or all of these!) I held my beautiful 19 pound, 8 1/2 month old baby, just like I did 1 year ago. I felt her heartbeat. This time I could stoke her hair, kiss her forehead, smell her sweet baby smell (despite the fact that I didn't have enough energy to give her bath tonight). I remembered... this almost didn't happen. Addi is worth all of the patience I've been lacking lately. She deserves my best. She deserves more love than I could ever give her even though I love her infinitely more than I ever could a year ago.

Addi Grace,
Mommy loves you more than anyone or anything. There is a reason you are here despite all of the bumps in the road. You are beautiful and strong, funny and smart. I knew you would be before you were even born. I am thankful God gave you to us every day. You are my heart. I love you more than the moon and the stars.
Mommy