This Is A Real Marriage

A month ago, I started talking about my husband's side of the family since it was the anniversary of my father in law's passing. I mentioned that I wanted to write about my in laws as a couple and Valentine's Day is the best time to do that because it is all about true love. I'll warn you now, you might not be able to believe it all because it is an incredible story but it is 100% true. A story my girls need to know.

Growing up, all little girls have ideas about what it means to find prince charming, to fall in love and live happily ever after. It's how it goes, right? Yes. And no. Life happens and it isn't always easy.

My mother in law married her teenage sweetheart and started a family a few years later. My husband was her first born and her husband was an attentive and loving father to him. Jumping into the play pen just like my hubby now does with my girls. Soon after, they were expecting their second. When she was 7 months pregnant, her husband was not feeling well and the doctors weren't sure what was wrong. Soon, it was clear that he had an aggressive form of cancer and he started treatment right away. He lost a lot of weight and lost his hair. He was admitted to the hospital. His health was failing. When it came time for her second to be born, her husband became the first and only man admitted to the maternity ward of their local hospital so he could be by his wife's side to greet their little one.

My husband visited his family in the hospital. My mother in law and new baby went home. His Dad, did not. Three months from diagnosis to his death, he passed away surrounded by his family. My hubby was 21 months and his little brother was just shy of a month old.

The end.

Just kidding, I wouldn't leave you all there. It just so happens that my young (and cute) mother in law was (and is) one tough cookie. A few months later, my mother-in-law's co-worker was trying to set up a blind date for her recently divorced neighbor.   He was a great guy and there was no pressure. The blind date was initially set up with a different co-worker but she was out of town on vacation.  Somewhat reluctantly, I believe, my mother in law said "why not?" and decided to go.

As they say, the rest is history. It was love at first sight and soon they joined their families together when they  got married within a year! My husband and his brother were adopted and they were one big happy family. (I know, crazy right?!) Two more kids later, they were still one big happy family living in an old farmhouse on a hill with lots of land for their growing family to run free.

Soon after my sister in law was born (my hubs was 9 at the time) my father in law started to notice vision loss in one eye. Going to his eye doctor, he was sent to a specialist. And another specialist. And another hospital. And on and on. My father in law had a brain tumor and spinal cord cancer. Yes, cancer, husband, again, to the same kids, same wife, same family. Not fair.

There was chemo. Countless rounds. There was radiation to the brain and spine. Enough to max out for one's lifetime. When if there would be any more it would start causing cancer.There were surgeries. Over 10. There was recovery times. There was rehab. There were trips to other states for treatment. THERE WERE GOOD TIMES. Times of good health, times without treatment. There were family vacations, graduations, dance recitals, basketball games, a very important Mustang (1966 fast back), cows, babies, laughter and hope. There were weddings.

I got to be a part of these good times. The first time I met my father in law he looked me in the eyes, pulled me in for a hug and picked me up off of the floor. Blushing and tickled pink I got to know this big guy with blue eyes and a penchant for wearing cow boy hats, boots and belt buckles. I felt in love with a family and the father with the twinkling eyes. He gave a toast at our wedding and told me that he and his family would love me as much as my big family loves me. He meant it and he (and they) have followed through.

As I stated in my last post, after our wedding my father in law had multiple treatments but was not responding but the tumor continued to come back. On their anniversary, at their favorite restaurant, my in laws talked about what they would do if the tumor came back. My father in law took his wife's hand and told her that he wasn't going to have any more surgeries or treatment. He wasn't giving up, he didn't know how to do that- he was just done. Not long after, the tumor came back. I learned more about my father in law and mother in law than in this time than I ever had before. My mother in law went into full caregiver mode, making sure he could get to work when he was still able, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the house and land and a teenager. His care became more and more intensive.

One weekend in the fall, Eric and I headed to Vermont to spend some time and help out. I went in to see my father in law and it was one of the rare times that we were alone. He pulled me in for a bear hug (he was a really super good hugger!) and remembering our very first hug I started to tear up. These moments were few and far between by then and I was savoring it. Longer than normal, when the hug ended, my father in law held me at arms length and said "You smell SO good!" Haha, certainly not what I expected but it was a first. When I went to see my hubby and mother in law and told then what happened she said "Well, don't take it too personally, he said that to his brother in law the other day too!" We laughed. We laughed alot during those times.

Another weekend (or maybe it was the same one? they all rolled into one in my memory) we were there, my hubby and I made my father in law breakfast. I gave it to him with a big kiss on the cheek. He promptly asked me for another one on his other cheek. I joked with him and told him he wouldn't feel it because by that time the tumor was pressing on his brain and causing paralysis of the left side of his face. He swore to me he'd feel it so I took his big bearded face in my hands and kissed it over and over like I would one of my kids. I snuck him seconds of dessert and promised not to tell my mother in law, even though she was in on it. We were just glad he was eating.

For his birthday in November we made a special trip to Vermont to celebrate. Cake and all. Things weren't great but Eric got to take his Dad for a ride in his Mustang and tell him how much he loved him. Nothing went unsaid. We even told him we were trying to get pregnant. He was thrilled. I was knee deep in graduate school at the time and spent (too much) time camped out by the wood stove with my lap top. I don't know if my mother in law saw or heard what I am going to tell you but it is something I've treasured in my heart. While making his cake, my father in law came to sit in the kitchen which had become rare. My mother in law came to sit on his lap and said "Do you want to lick the cake batter off the beaters?" My father in law replied "You would do that for me?" My mother in law replied "I would do anything for you". They kissed.

I was doing what most of you might be doing now, tearing up! It was beautiful. Hello, true love! A little over a month later, my mother in law sat all us kids down to talk about the arrangements for the end. Hospice was coming, plans were made. Did we want anything? I asked for the boots to have in our house and then in the nursery. They were a symbol of my father in law's stubbornness and strength I needed. I remember everything about that night. The room, where I sat, and what she said. She said...

"This is a real marriage. This is better or worse, sickness and in health, till death do us part. This is what you sign up for and why marriage is a big deal. I love your Dad and I am going to see this through."

And she did. Without wavering. With joy. Without fear. With exhaustion. With peace. Without giving up. With strength. With love. I and everyone else said through this time and so many times before "I don't know how you do it". Her reply always was "I don't have a choice, it is what it is." A Proverbs woman...

A Wife of Noble Character

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She finds wool and flax and busily spins it. She is like a merchant’s ship, bringing her food from afar. She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day’s work for her servant girls. She goes to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard. She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. She makes sure her dealings are profitable; her lamp burns late into the night. Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber. She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy. She has no fear of winter for her household, for everyone has warm clothes. She makes her own bedspreads. She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns. Her husband is well known at the city gates, where he sits with the other civic leaders. She makes belted linen garments and sashes to sell to the merchants. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!” Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

They spent the night before his death holding hands. She said she felt like they were dating again and so much was said with a squeeze of a hand. She held him as he passed. Kissed him. She planned a beautiful memorial and hundreds of people came. I even got to hug the woman that was supposed to go on the blind date and thank her for giving my mother in law the chance instead. We celebrated his life. Incredible right? I know. I am blessed to have this example of true love and real marriage in my life. Eric and I choose to say the words "In sickness and in health, till death do us part" at our wedding precisely for this reason- we had sick family members. They were being lived out in front of us. So, this Valentine's Day I am writing a love letter to my mother in law.

Mom,
Thank you for being such a tough lady. For seeing Eric's Dads through these awful situations, sacrificing yourself. For being a great Mom while doing it. For being affectionate with my father in law in rehab, so much so that I think he wanted all us kids to leave the room! Thank you for being courageous enough to love again after being hurt so deeply and profoundly. Eric wouldn't have been the same if he wasn't a Clark. If I haven't told you that I admire  you, I'm sorry. It is a long time coming. Maybe I didn't have the words. I know you were the standard Eric held me to when he silently asked "Will you tough it out even if I get sick". I hope you know in your heart of hearts and can see how much I truly love him, your family and you. I hope I did your story justice. Happy Valentine's Day. Love,
Ashley